The Poop Card.


(found this image on pinterest, but couldn’t find any source… or maybe I just don’t know how.)

Sometimes you just gotta pull the poop card.

Disclaimer: This post is NOT about stinky bodily functions directly, but if you have a problem with the word poop, avert your eyes now and run for the hills…because there’s gonna be some of that up in here today.

Alrighty then… back to the Poop Card.  Most moms will identify, although they may not call it the Poop Card, they have one too…..admit it or not… we all know…. the Poop Card exists. I had forgotten about this little phenomenon until recently… which gives me hope that this phase will too come to an end. And to my complete and utter delight, the girls have caught on and they have their own version… which makes me proud…because I have, indeed imparted at least one nugget of pure wisdom into their young, impressionable minds.  Believe me, this is one they will use forever.

I mentioned a few posts ago that I love the baby stage.  I do.  I love that sweet, snuggly, sleepy stage that is the newborn.  That unbelievably soft hair, skin, and that way they sound when they breathe so sweetly and rhythmically while you hold them.  I love the warm feeling of that bundle when they sleep on your chest.  But as Chris reminds me almost daily… that phase ends quickly.  Sniff sniff.  So, yes… Ty’s been out of it for a while.  He’s now in this horrible tween phase… You know, after they are out of the baby stage, and before they are firmly a toddler.  He can’t walk alone yet, but he thinks he should be able to. He has a few words, but not enough to communicate ALL his needs… so he WHINES.  I. hate. whining. I hate my kids whining and I hate your kids whining.

He’s just been weaned…and he’s not happy about it.  He feels that the proper and safe way to get out of every situation is HEAD first. (stairs, off furniture, out of his car seat etc.)  In other words, he inadvertently tries to kill himself at least 78 times a day. This is especially apparent when we are at the store and he’s strapped into a basket.  No matter how many times I straight-jacket that kid down, he Houdinis himself out of EVERY buckle and is standing or going head first over the side of the basket in T minus .3 seconds. It’s awesome. I look like the BEST parent in the market.  ”Um, excuse me, ma’am… your son is about to fall on his head… excuse me ma’am… do you know it’s dangerous to let your kid do that?”  ’YES, I FREAKING DO!!!  Do you not see the 13 buckles he’s just gotten out of in .5 seconds while I put the Wheaties in my cart?’  Geesh.  I digress.

Lord help me, sometimes I just need a break.  Even a 5 minute break is good; not enough, but adequate for the moment.  I need to unplug for a sec, play a game of candy crush, listen to inappropriate Katy Perry songs… (mostly kidding), thumb through Instagram, or say a prayer for patience, and an extra long nap time  This is where the poop card comes in.

Yall, I have to go poop!!  Not really, most of the time… but you get the idea.  I quickly decide where Ty could potentially hurt himself the least, relocate him there and run… I mean, RUN to the nearest bathroom and shut the door.  Most of the time Ty’s one step behind me and he whines at the door till I come out.  So I know he’s relatively safe.  I can see his fingers under the door. So, in go the headphones and on goes Peacock by Katy Perry because I like the beat… :) (yes, it’s terribly inappropriate, but it’s so stinking hilarious and FUN… and have you seen those costumes in the concert video. A-MAZING!)

The girls know from experience NOT to open the door when I’m poopin.  Not a good outcome for anyone.  Ty will learn.  Had to pull the poop card this morning on Ty, but I wasn’t prepared for what I’d see when I came out of the loo.

Yup, I stood on the counter to get the whole view.  But what you can’t see is the hair product squirted on the floor just out of the picture range.  Huge mess, but at that moment I didn’t care.  Nope.  I was happily humming the peacock song as I picked up the mess.  Sometimes 4 minutes and 32 seconds of peace is TOTALLY worth it.

I mean look at that big hunk of strawberry blonde love.  After I threw down the poop card, I could appreciate it once again. I’m tellin ya, ladies, mom’s, dad’s… whoever… USE it.  The poop card always wins.

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